Chapter 10 to End

Chapter 10: New Therapies
Keep in mind this was the 1960's experimentation with mind altering drugs was just in early stages. There was much abuse of them even within the medical profession. Valium was over prescribed to the point of creating a zombie generation, of women. Not only were new drugs being tried but new psychotherapy theories were being proposed all over the world. In the 40's, Sigmund Freud had proposed that all behavior in adult neurotics was based on sexual incidents in their early years to which they responded by making a decision.
Adler and others based their theories on this idea, but expanded the idea to include the family interaction, and many other psychologists branched off to expound their own theories of why disturbed individuals behave differently from the rest of the population.
Information was coming, but we were along ways from getting the help we needed for Lynda. By the next decade, Lynda was married and had discovered to her great surprise that she was in an abusive marriage, as well as becoming an abusive mother. At the time of her marriage she had completed junior college and had taken two psychology courses. These had fanned the flame of interest in mental health, mainly hers, and she studied far beyond the requirements of the class, and had several visits with the psychology professor, hoping to discover the key to unlocking the source of her fears, and strange feelings she had.
Still she was unable to put into words that which she could not recognize from her sub-conscious, so advice to stop doing a behavior fell short because what she needed to know was how to stop, and what behavior to substitute, but until she could recognize that need, she could not ask for it.

By freshman year in college Lynda went to her psychology 101 professor, Dr. James Scoresby , who was more aggressive in his approach to therapy and gave her an assignment to attend the next college dance and talk to the young men that danced with her as if she were really interested. What resulted was a whirlwind relationship and engagement, a whole new chapter of guilt and evidence that she was evil, and this imprinted with the pain of separation as he left for the Navy, followed a week later by a letter to him, breaking off not only the engagement but the entire relationship. A few months and many young men later, following that same line of advice, came the man of her dreams: Strong willed, righteous, perusing a business profession and dominant enough to bring her up to his expectations.
Even though she acknowledged my communications, none of the red flags I desperately pointed out to her mattered, because Lynda was sure when they were married he would change as easily as she would to fit the expectations each had of the other, and they would live in bliss forever. The guilt would be washed away in the ecstasy and she would be loved for herself.

Immediately recognizing the dream to be only a fantasy Lynda built another wall of protection around her. Communication was breaking down between us. “Oh, Lynda, don't shut me out now, you need me more than ever.”
Continuing in college Lynda suggested to her husband that they take advantage of the free counseling center on campus. But he would have nothing to do with counseling. His advice was to let him be her counselor, which interpreted became, let him demand the changes he wanted and let her make the changes or else. She approached a church leader with no good results. After he had listened to her and listened to her husband nothing more was said, no advice, no help offered. Her husband threatened her and demanded that she never again talk to anyone about their personal life: A demand with which she complied for more than five years. She never even mentioned it to her own family. She held all of the frustration, anger and abuse inside until I thought for sure she was going to lose her
mind. The verbal and emotional and sexual abuse was far worse than the physical, at least she was able to strike back when being hit, although she knew it didn't hurt him or help her. And yet, that inward script of disrupting and hurting to gain attention was so strongly a driving force that her life appeared to her to be working.

Her own perception of reality being challenged, Lynda found it easier to accept her husband’s alien thinking patterns, and she began to protect and even espouse his thinking. When she finally did break her oath of silence, it was met with more abuse. She was told to go home and be an obedient wife and things would be just fine. On the verge of breaking she demanded that they get her help. In hopes of "fixing Lynda", hubby agreed to see the professor clinician whom Lynda had known in college. Dr. James Scoresby and hubby had met. His diagnosis: "You have a very sick wife." Just what hubby had wanted to hear. "I am ok, she is not ok." Lab tests were arranged and Lithium prescribed to halt the tremendous mood swings both described. Nothing was prescribed for hubby, so the abuse continued, and with medication, Lynda felt more and more panicked.

She was the identified patient. She was the problem. True to her script, she was no good. “I'm not OK. Everyone else is OK. I only get hit and shoved when I am misbehaving; abuse is better than no attention at all. If I wasn't so bad, I wouldn't get the abuse. So I deserve it. Even our church leader has said so. This arrangement certainly satisfied her husband, and the spiral of domestic violence and emotional abuse was in full force.
In spite of the walls, in spite of the scripts, Lynda was stubborn and strong willed. Rather than lie down and die she fought, she fought her husband, she fought the church she fought the schools and anyone who contradicted her. Deep within, the scripts I had worked so hard to instill in her were demanding recognition. "Lynda, you are important, you are capable, you are lovable. Even without performing you are a child of God. Don't let the world tell you anything else". To others, Lynda’s
behavior was seen as erratic, defensive, impulsive and neurotic. I was thrilled. As long as that spark of self esteem was still burning, Lynda would fight to live. As her behavior was perceived as deteriorating by mortals, she was referred to the counseling center in her town, interviewed by a psychiatrist and assigned a psychologist to meet with her on a regular basis. Between the lithium and counseling sessions she felt like there was some control in her life again.

Meg, the psychologist listened and listened for weeks and weeks. Lynda spilled out a litany of abuse and hurt, and fears. Meg questioned and listened patiently encouraged hubby to come in for counseling which he did a few times, then quit on the excuse that he was being abused by having to listen to such accusations. Meg had made suggestions to him which were rejected, so what was left was to help Lynda cope with and deal with the situation, while she learned to change herself and not create abusive situations to occur. For the first time since birth, Lynda perceived unconditional acceptance. She still didn't accept herself as valuable at this point, but she was in there fighting.
Getting a glimmer of recognition that her perception was not as defective hubby would have her believe, and gaining strength through the counseling process, she took her kids and left the marriage home. She had money from inheritance and used it to settle in another town and buy a home. Once settled she made an appointment with a counselor, Stewart Smith, LCSW Licensed Clinical Social worker. His was a teaching approach.

That was OK. Lynda had talked herself dry to Meg. They had talked about everything, but accomplished little. Lynda was unsure if she was headed in the right direction because of Meg's unconditional acceptance and active listening, she felt that everything she said was acceptable; only occasionally had Meg raised her eyebrows or given any indication that Lynda's statements were neurotic. Mr. Smith was all business. His job, he declared, was to teach Lynda how to think and act and even feel. Her job was to listen and to practice what he preached. This was different. This was strange. This was scary, but I encouraged her to hang in there and learn. As she worked, small pin holes opened up through which I could communicate with her once again. We both sensed that this was the only chance she had at this point to stabilize her life. Besides it was a chance to sit back and listen and not go through the painful process of dredging up past history with the attached emotions. Sit and listen we did, week after week, 45 dollars after 45 dollars, and though nothing made sense, it all seemed like it should. Somehow it all had to fit together, and somehow Lynda was determined to comprehend it all no matter what the price.



Stone Cold Rock Wall

I would have written
"Something there is
that doesn't love a wall,
that wants it down,"
but Robert Frost took my words
years before my birth
and pre wrote my thoughts.

That's ok so long as I have the
words to use and I can say
what I need with his well written verse.

Walls between you and me.
were just not meant to be
and words are not sufficient to
build or to tear them down.

Years of actions misunderstood
cemented into place by rock hard hurt
and stone cold criticisms
built these walls of shabby black rock.

Perhaps no wrecker in the world
could break the mortar and stone that divides us,
but we could sit astride the wall
and visit on the top.



Chapter 12: New Therapies

Mr. Smith had Lynda write on a 3 X 5 card to carry in her purse or pocket. "I do not like the way I feel but I can control the way I think and act." This might as well have been in a foreign language. Susan could not comprehend the meaning of this sentence, much less the idea that it could be true, or that it could become a part of her thinking.

Nevertheless going purely on my encouragement she continued to pursue this strange line of counseling. Then one day, as the truth of the statement came in just a flicker to her conscious mind, Mr. Smith hit her with a new idea. Not only could she control her thoughts and actions, but her emotions too. This was too much to internalize and she nearly quit going to therapy because of it. Still not following most of the sessions, she continued to go, because of a pinging in her subconscious to her conscious: "this man speaks the truth. Listen and learn." At least she was hearing me.

Over the course of a year she continued to go and be disturbed by the messages she could neither explain or internalize, but her life was changing, she could recognize that. Finally as a closure gesture, since Lynda was leaving the area, Mr. Smith invited her to a seminar called "Life Power," which she attended for three days. The concepts were the same as he had been presenting, but they were presented in work groups and discussion groups, and the ideas started to come together and make sense. She signed up to be a facilitator for the company that presented the seminars and was able to teach it twice in her new town through the junior college. Each time she taught the seminars the concepts made more sense and became more realistic to her. But it was not until she began taking graduate counseling courses in college that the real comprehension began.

RET (rational emotive thinking) was presented as a new psychotherapy by Albert Ellis in the early 70's. Discouraged with the poor results of listening therapies, which made up most of psychological practice at that time, Ellis wanted a more direct approach. The idea was a neurotic patient doesn't need to rehash his life story in detailed accounts over months and months; he needs relief from his psychic pain, and the only way to get relief is to learn a new way of thinking and acting. The hallmark saying of RET is: "It's not what happens but what you think about what happens that creates an emotion." In other words, Lynda learned in her seminars and classes, it is not the traffic that causes you stress, but what you think about the traffic. It is not the final exam that's making you
sweat, but what you are thinking about the exam. If you took the exam out of context, it would not cause stress, but because of what you think about the exam in connection with the class you become stressed. When Lynda decided to check out this theory, after she finally comprehended it, she left a type writer out with paper in so she could rapidly record her thought process that led to an anger outburst or depression.

Quickly she noticed the similarity of the spiraling thoughts. Something happened, the event (a) her (b) thoughts about it began: "He said . . .” That means I am wrong about. . . that means I am no good. I am a terrible person. I don't deserve to live. I am a terrible mother too. . . Everything he has ever said bad about me is true. Everything any one has said bad about me is true. I am the scum of the earth. Lower than a lowly worm. I could sit on a dime and my feet would dangle." And this she noticed, for some reason, led her directly into a depression. The thoughts that led to anger included these same thoughts, but triggered a defense reaction that escalated to:

"I can't be wrong. If he is right I must be wrong and that cannot be. I must prove him wrong. If I am wrong I cease to have value, to be lovable or capable." And the explosive outburst of anger and hostility shields her from the thought that she might be wrong, no matter how irrational the argument might be.

Lynda read and studied all she could get a hold of about RET. She attended a seminar with a personal appearance of Albert Ellis, and bought books and posters that clearly demonstrated this approach. The book and workbook "Feeling Good; the New Mood Therapy," by David Burns became her bible. The more she taught and demonstrated this approach the more it helped her until she came to the point that it became an automatic approach to analyzing her thinking process.

Feeling confident and capable of dealing with life Lynda remarried her children’s father. So confident that she could live all she had learned she gave up her new home and moved back to Arizona to begin a new life with her husband and children, to try to heal the wounds and nightmares of the past.


FREE AGENCY


One step towards the darkness
is all I'm asked to take,
one reach toward the unknown
I'm just encouraged to make.
The walls of life surround me
encircling my soul
the walls screen out the future,
protect me from the whole.
One step without knowing
what my future brings
is all that I can manage
this gives my spirit wings.-
Step by step I progress
pushing back the walls.
In faith I venture forward
Love softening the falls.
This life is grand and awesome.
Great triumphs can I win.
What I now see as challenges,
are the stumbling blocks within.
Our Savior said, "Just trust me,
I'll do for you what's best."
One step into darkness,
to God I'll leave the rest.
Stepping into darkness
pushing back the walls,
stretching toward eternal life,
frees me to choose the calls. Alien
Where is my world?
Where is my galaxy?
An alien to this planet,
Lost and hungry
For a place to call home.
trying to be loved,
to love again,
as in my inner memories
of eternal worlds
I was once allowed to do.

Is there among all the species
Of this planet called earth
A soul compatible to mine?
“Worlds without end”
Where is mine?




Chapter 13: Reality Therapy

Lynda continued to study and read. Further searching brought her to books by William Glasser. Glasser is an educator who wrote a book named, "Schools without Failure." And later "Reality Therapy" and a more recently, "Control Theory", each of which are based on the theory that any behavior a person does is based on a need which is present at the time the behavior begins, but when the need is no longer there and the behavior continues, serving no purpose, the behavior is neurotic. This therapy consists of helping the client recognize the behavior, recognize that it is no longer serving a purposes and extinguish the behavior, substituting a more appropriate or acceptable behavior. In his work in reform schools for girls the therapy was very successful. Lynda worked with this therapy on her own after reading Glasser's books and talking with fellow students she was able to recognize, analyze and extinguish some of her inappropriate behaviors.

A new environment, new beginning of her marriage, and all this knowledge and Lynda was still having problems with her life. A new counselor, Glen was able to help her in this respect also. Anger outbursts toward her children became one point of focus. Glenn suggested that she call him at home or work at any time she lost her temper. She called three times during the following
week, each time waiting until she had cooled off, and each time being told he was not available, so she left a message, "Lynda called." This had not been Glen's intent, he told her, but it certainly made Susan more aware of the outbursts and the inappropriateness of them. Recognizing that the old patterns from her script demanding anger, hostility were the pattern of her life, she recognized they as non helpful, even hurtful to her and her family. Working with Glen to find a Reality cure, she decided upon a soup can on her right arm. She cut out both ends and taped the openings and slipped it on her arm to be worn until she broke the habit of shouting and threatening her children. After two weeks of constant wear she felt like the habit was under control. The soup can served as a minute by minute reminder to deal appropriately with the behavior, as well as a crisis intervention when she raised her hand to strike a child.

I was proud of Lynda. She worked toward her goals like an athlete in training, and met each one as she recognized and focused on her behaviors. It seemed like this would surely be the turning point. Unfortunately others did not recognize her successes, and Lynda’s self image was built on the opinions of the significant others in her life, especially hubby. As Glen put it, "you make changes that seem like biggies to you and me, but hubby only sees them as littlies." But Glen was quick to notice and discuss this new angle with her.
It was becoming more and more apparent that Lynda did not like herself or respect herself as a human being. She was quick to deny it and to profess self love, but her words and actions spoke louder than denials. Now came the greatest obstacle yet, the climb to self esteem.


TO LENGTHEN MY STRIDE

Run, oh my soul,
. Run , til my heart pounds
and my lungs burn
Run til my legs beg
to be freed.
Run on, to the top of the hill
cease not til I reach the mark
til my race is run.
Then push on
for in running comes
strength anew
and distance yet undreamed.



Chapter 14: Recovery, 12 steps:

A year before her hospitalization Lynda recognized that she was dying.
The stress of the second divorce proceedings, trying to manage her family, school and a job were overwhelming to her. The stress took its toll on her immune system and chronic respiratory infections began to drain her physical health. In the last stages of the months of continuances and psychological evaluations and unending interrogatories she recognized how weak physically she had become.

In one desperate attempt to protect her children and her life, she wrote a custody agreement in which she would take the traditional weekend holiday father's role and allow the children's father to have primary custody during the school year. She realized that to keep them during the school days when she was expending all her energy teaching, and to have them gone on the weekends and holidays when she had time and energy to spend on them would be counterproductive, and since it was not a matter of all or nothing in this setting, she settled for taking them during the times she could be most available to them. They were together alternate weekends and holidays and summer for a year, then the tragedy struck and the long separation occurred.

Lynda went through feelings of helplessness during her recovery, and the years that followed were difficult to balance her desire to be with the children full time and her need to rest and recover and learn to undo the co-dependent behaviors she had learned through a life time. She learned that the bi-polar disorder had created a great deal of grief and confusion for her older children, and she watched as the co-dependent behaviors of the family continued even in her absence.

Lynda allowed the co-dependency and helpless feelings to spiral into depression more than once in the following years. The disappointment of falling into a depression with all her education, and her spiritual knowledge about the purpose of life and her purpose on earth spiraled into deeper self disgust. She came to a point when she had given up her job after a serious auto accident, that she realized she had hit bottom. Her best friend and neighbor, an alcoholic, encouraged her to take a
drink, Lynda was very aware of the neighborhood crack dealer, and the temptation to give into drugs and alcohol, after 43 years of abstinence became an obsession.

Gathering all her courage and determination not to be dragged under by such temptation, overcoming her deep physical and mental depression enough to organize herself she presented herself to a mental health facility in another town for inpatient therapy.

The feeling of disgrace and failure were overcome by learning about filling her needs from a new point of view. AA and Alanon, and the 12 step programs became an integral part of her therapy. At first she felt out of place because she had never drank, but she was assured that the only criteria for membership was a desire to not drink, and she certainly qualified on that. The fear of beginning to drink with her understanding of her own compulsive nature lead her to believe that one drink or one snort of drugs would permanently addict her. She knew well enough that had been complicated enough without it to take such a bizarre risk. Through the 12 step program Lynda reached a deeper understanding of self acceptance and forgiveness. Increasing her capacity to love herself gave her more tolerance and forgiveness for those she had dealt with throughout her life.
Step by step as she progressed through the program, the things I had taught her in that few minutes of out of body experience in the hospital years before began to move into her conscious understanding and she was more able to comprehend her purpose in life, her own needs, her value and capabilities. It was as if I were watching a blossom unfold, knowing all the time the bud had the potential and the parts to become a fully developed flower, I had assisted it by adding nourishment a sunlight, but the natural process of unfolding and maturing takes time. Lynda had not just sat idly by accepting this nourishment, but had actively pursued the courses in her life that added understanding and comprehension to her intuitive sense of purpose and value.


Epiloge: Lynda is not cured.

There is not a cure for bi-polar illness. The process of learning, exploring, growing will continue as long as she puts forth the effort. That effort against the illness is little compared to the prejudice of society. Discrimination because of having had psychiatric help will continue to occur. Gossip and rumors about mental illness, and superstitions among those who believe mental illness is caused by sin and evil. The constant effort is fatiguing. It is difficult for Lynda to continually work at pushing back the walls. If she lets go for a moment, the idea that she must constantly work at this may prompt her to question her self worth. But through all the years of work Lynda also has gained the most important gift that I could offer her, she began to love herself and accept herself and her limitations.

At this time Lynda has been working with me using a 30 year new form of therapy, or rather an acquisition of the best techniques from all strands of therapy. Neurolinguistic Programming was developed in the 1970’s by two men seeking for techniques to teach better communication skills. In doing so John Bandler and Richard Grinder observed three of the finest therapists of their times, Virginia Sytir, Milton Erickson, and Fritz Perls, to get insight into the techniques and skills they used in making their clients feel rapport, comfort, safety and understood. The techniques they unveiled are now being taught around the world in NLP Seminars. It has been proven in all areas of coaching, teaching, salesmanship and especially counseling, by directing the subconscious mind to exciting changes in beliefs and behaviors.

Lynda’s self esteem came from within her own soul. The seed planted deep within her eternal soul, that came with her at birth has blossomed into a beautiful flower. Lynda has learned to bloom where she planted, and make her own world pleasant and content in spite of what goes on around. She truly believes she is loveable, capable and valuable. She has recognized there is no one in the world that can take that away without her consent, and after all the work, she will never give her consent again.